Friday, 20 November 2015

101 Ways to Convince Your Psychologist You're Normal: Slush

I love slush. Not the muddy type that makes skid across the road and fall on your posterior, but the brightly coloured, sugary type that makes your brain freeze. More importantly I love a Slush Puppy.

I’m sure I should be past Slush Puppies by now but my alcohol consumption has regressed to such a level that even an alcopop doesn’t really offer enough sweetness and post-consumption energy.

There is something about the friendly little dog dressed in his jumper and knitted bobble hat that just draws me in every time. Slush Puppy. Yum. Don’t mix colours though, oh no, that could be dangerous. Only a fool mixes his slush and I think we’ve all seen what happens to those that do.

As I sit slurping the icy goodness I wonder what made the slush people go for a dog as their brand image. Do dogs like ice I wonder? And do they only like it when it’s provided in a semi-melted state?

Apparently some nice gentleman called Will Radcliffe invented the Slush Puppie in 1972. He doesn’t mention why the puppy, plus at 40 years of age he’s hardly a puppy anymore. Staggeringly, since launch over 175 billion cups of slush have been enjoyed by just us european folk. That’s a lot of slush.

It doesn’t seem he ever got round to naming the puppy which seems a shame and sadly our friendly sloppy ice salesman died in September of 2014.

It must be the sugar but the more I slurp the more my mind has started to get upset about Slush the poor unnamed puppy, and I’ve even started to wonder if he’s related the the Hush Puppy? What is it with the ‘ush type brands and their love of dogs?

Well the Hush Puppies dog is a similar sort of Bassett Hound but luckily for the Hush version it seems his real name was Jason. Jason? A dog called Jason? These Americans really are a strange lot I think.

Maybe the brand concept should be taken further by other stores:

Lush Puppies* - small pieces of bath bombs and soaps all wrapped up in your own small doggy bag, perfect for those who just want a little smelly pellet of everything.

Homebase Gush Puppy* - strong, sticky backed neoprene tape that can be stretched round leaking pipes for an instant fix. Safe and strong, stop that leak before it becomes a gush.

Andrex Rush Puppies* - small individual packets of five moisturised toilet sheets, perfect for when you are caught in a rush. Carry Andrex Rush Puppies with you every day and never again have to face that paper-free cubicle.

*all ideas are a copyright of Zico Watson. Further product ideas available on request.

My one gripe is that this middle aged man can’t seem to enjoy the delights of a Slush Puppie from the comfort of his own armchair, thus avoiding looking like he has stolen some small child’s drink from a different bowling lane.

This I must solve. I want adult slush and I want it now! And no I don't want a cocktail, I want a man’s drink for I am a man!

It seems like it should be a simple formula, after all you need a sugary drink that has reached freezing point but not yet fully frozen. With equipment in hand I am soon on my way to making my own sugary heaven and I can share with you all the steps you will need to take to make this for yourself.

First you will require the following:

A freezer
One can of beer (any sort, so like me go wild and use Asda’s own bitter)
Your favourite glass
A pair of scissors
Some warm gloves
A few sheets of kitchen roll

Step One: Place your chosen beer inside the freezer compartment. 

Step Two: Wait for approximately two hours. 

This is the hard part. As a man I completely forgot the preparation time required and found myself wanting the slush immediately despite it only just going in the freezer. I ended up having two cups of tea, a lump of cheese and getting lost in a football match on TV. Preparation is key.

Step Three: Remove your beer and pull the ring pull open.

Step Four: Take the kitchen roll and mop up the mess that is on the worktop and floor.

Step Five: Pour a dribble of icy beer into your glass allowing the newly formed slush a little more freedom in the can.

Step Six: Put on your gloves and use the scissors to cut the top off your beer can (If like me you find you have cut your finger it would be best to find a plaster before any blood get’s into your icy nourishment.)

Step Seven: Pour the slush into your glass and enjoy your drink!

It really is that simple and despite my slush melting after five minutes I found it more than adequate given the amount if time I’d been waiting anyway.

Man slush. Slush Dog! And a dog with a name, probably Tyson or something and certainly not Jason. I think I probably need a few more runs at it before I go on Dragons Den but I can see a whole new market opening up like a calving of a giant glacier!

I might try a Guinness next. That would be amazing! Especially if the ice crystals formed a lovely white snow cap on top of the stout’s goodness.

After all the excitement of the day I am soon in bed and looking forward to my new venture.  What a kind, Ohio man started back in 1974 I will finish off in 2016! My mission awaits.

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